Wanksicle
by prettyflour
Summary: An entry for SPANKING THE MONKEY CONTEST!   A mind-reading prude, a human horny for popsicles and a irritated empath.  A lesson in release.  AU/parody/NO Slash.
1. Chapter 1

**Contest entry for Spanking the Monkey! For additional contest entries, please visit: www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/~spankthemonkey4u**

**Title: Wanksicle**

Name: Prettyflour

Pairing: Edward, Bella and Jasper

Rating: M

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended. This is to be used for sick and twisted entertainment purposes only.**

A sparkly THANK YOU to **Vintagejgc** for her beta assistance. Now... on with the wanking!

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**Wanksicle**

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From his room Jasper could hear Bella's heartbeat and shaky breaths. She and Edward were at it again. What he could only describe as heavy petting without the petting. He snorted and mumbled, "Fucking virgins."

He knew he should leave and give them privacy; more importantly he should leave because their unresolved sexual tension was absolute fucking torture. He tried hard to control his thoughts knowing that Edward could hear, but damn it all, he thought they should just fuck and get it over with.

He could feel the lust shifting to ire and he grinned wickedly knowing it was probably due to his train of thought. Edward was getting frustrated- and not sexually.

Bella, of course, was all horny and reckless with emotions, wanton and determined. She whispered that she wanted him and trusted him not to hurt her. The poor little human had no idea how hard it would be for Edward to actually penetrate her without ripping her wide open. There was a fine line between lust and bloodlust and the two virgins upstairs had no concept of how to separate the two. Edward's control was honed but she was his _singer._ How he had the strength to even kiss her left Jasper quite honestly amazed and in awe of Edward. And yet, for all the control Edward had shown, he wondered how the hell he would fair during any kind of sex. For Christ's sake! Edward hadn't even cupped her breasts yet. Not even over her shirt!

Edward's growl was subtle but heard.

With a roll of his eyes, Jasper stood to leave, giving Edward a silent apology laced with sarcasm. He drove to Port Angeles and saw a movie, some horrible flick aptly named, Vampires Suck. He returned home afterward and found Edward on the couch, his head in his hands. He was about to ask Edward what was wrong when he heard Bella's voice from upstairs.

"Oh... Yeah... Oh Edward! It's like a giant popsicle. A shiny, dazzling, popsicle." And then Bella proceeded to snore.

Jasper could not help but giggle at Bella's sleep talking.

"It's not funny," Edward said, his tension slicing through Jasper's good mood.

"I beg to differ. That is hilarious."

"Just shut up, Jasper, please."

Jasper plopped down beside him on the couch. "I just don't get it, Edward. Why not just give her what she wants? I know you want it, too."

Edward scoffed. "I don't think... I just can't take that risk with her. I don't know if it's even possible."

"It's possible." Jasper flipped through memories of the human girls he'd had relations with, before Alice of course.

Edward looked a little shocked at the number of mortals Jasper recalled. Truth be told, he was impressed and knew that Jasper was the only one in this family who had been there, done _that_. "Did _any_ of them survive?"

Jasper scoffed and punched Edward in the shoulder. "Fuck yes, they did." He scratched his head. "Most of them..." He shrugged at Edward's wide eyed expression. He drank human blood back then. The sex was sometimes a prelude to his feast. Shaking his head at the disgust and fear rolling off of Edward, he wondered why he was bothering with this conversation. He had wanted to give Edward some advice, but not if he was going to act like a total Victorian prick.

Before Edward could rebuff him, Jasper held his hands up. "Don't give me that condescending vibe, Edward, not when we're talking about sex."

Edward slumped into the couch. "I'm sorry. This is just a tad awkward for me."

"Me too." Jasper laughed bitterly. _Empath remember? You perpetually horny asshat._

"I said I'm sorry!" Edward gritted out then put his head in his hands.

"Here's the thing, Edward. You of all people could pull this off, I'm sure of it, but..." He paused, choosing his words carefully, and then decided that sugar coating would not be beneficial. Edward needed someone to give him straight truths. "You can't go from nothing but kissing to intercourse. That's a really bad idea. I think you need to move beyond first base with her before attempting what she wants. This honeymoon plan of yours isn't going to work."

"Gah!" He grabbed his hair and pulled. "What was I thinking, agreeing to this? How will I..." He gulped. "Have intercourse with her without breaking her?"

"Don't. I'm not talking about intercourse. You two can give each other pleasure in other ways you twit! Use your fingers, you unimaginative bastard and, Edward..." Jasper raised an eyebrow. "Do you know why she is pushing you so hard to turn her? You told her you didn't want to have sex until she was immortal."

"Less breakable." Edward sighed dramatically. "I want to wait until I can't accidentally kill her by thrusting too hard!"

"Hey..." Jasper warned, shaking a finger at him. "Stop with the rage. I think you need to take a different approach. Lift some boundaries, maybe some touching. Stop denying her everything, she feels like she won't be good enough until she's a vampire that's why she pushing so hard on being turned. I'm telling you this because I can't stand the back and forth between you two any longer. You two are sickeningly in love with one another, constantly, unbearably aroused in each other's presence, followed by your raving irritation and Bella's rejection when it ends too soon. Pleasure your woman, Edward. Get me off this rollercoaster emo ride. Please! And..." He sat back and crossed his hands over his chest knowingly. "I have a sneaking suspicion that once Bella has had a taste of stress relief via orgasm, she will be more open minded to the idea of staying human a little longer."

"You think so?" Edward asked- a light of hope in his eyes.

"If you ask while giving her a mind-blowing orgasm with your fingers, then yes."

Edward listened with rapt attention as Jasper gave him a tutorial on how not to kill your human during sex.

Jasper went on and on with helpful little tidbits of mortal loving fun facts and then asked, "How often do you masturbate?"

Edward recoiled and Jasper sighed, taking in Edward's unnecessary embarrassment. "Will you please stop? Jesus, Edward, we are both mature creatures who should be able to have a conversation like this without getting all prissy. Everyone fucking masturbates; it's not a big deal. Now, how often?"

Edward grimaced before answering. "I don't."

Jasper mouth dropped open. "What do you mean, you don't?"

"I don't do... _that_."

"Ever?" Jasper asked in disbelief. "Are you fucking with me right now?"

"Well, er... I have, but not recently."

A resounding _Wow_ echoed through Jasper's thoughts. He couldn't fucking believe this shit. No wonder he was wound so tight!

"First things first, you need to start doing it." Jasper was unable to hide his smile. "As often as possible."

Edward squirmed and scowled as Bella's voice drifted into their ears. "Oh... My... God... Yes! Let me lick my popsicle!"

Jasper sighed at the lust not only coming from Bella, but from Edward too. "No, none of that." _Control yourself man!_

Edward cringed and willed his erection to cease. He needed to focus on the task at hand: not killing Bella and making her feel really good in the process.

Sadly, the107 year old virgin was too easily swayed by talk of sex and Bella's obvious wet dream sleep talking. His arousal was undeniable.

"Edward... Please..." Jasper shuddered. "It was kind of funny at first and now it's just freaking me out. So just please... Stop."

Hanging his head he whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Fuck me, don't you dare start feeling shame right now!" He waited a moment, an awkward silence creeping up between them.

Jasper threw his hands up. "I'm out."

After bolting from the house, Jasper took a long run, trying to shake the bad vibes he'd picked up from Edward.

"Absolutely repressed," he muttered, slowing to a walk. He couldn't shake the arousal and running with a hard on was just not right unless he was chasing Alice. Taking a quick look around and sensing nothing but the forest and small woodland creatures around him, he cupped himself over his jeans unashamed and rubbed a few times. Letting out a quick groan, he unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out, stroking slow up and down, squeezing a little around the head.

He snickered as he thought briefly of Edward, probably pacing and brooding when he should be doing this. Never masturbating? Pfft. Fuck that. It felt _really _good.

It felt even better after he leaned over and drooled venom into his hand, using it for lubrication. With nothing better to do, he took his time, occasionally using his other hand to cup his balls or sometimes just using both hands to bring himself closer. Whatever felt good.

He kept a slow pace, drawing it out for a more heightened reaction. He teased himself as Alice often did- he loved being teased- switching back and forth between slow heavy strides of his hand, and then pumping at vampire speed before he stopped. He slid the tip of his finger over the head, teasing the slit, recalling how Alice liked to used her tongue there. As he thought of her, he stroked harder, a little faster too. He pictured her tight pussy, legs spread wide and wet. Uh oh… If he kept thinking like that he wouldn't last long. He didn't. With his eyes clenched shut, he came all over his hand and thanked the heavens that vampires had a very quick recovery time. He decided to do it again.

Meanwhile... Back at La Casa de Cullen.

Edward looked down at his mate, sleeping soundly, her breathing even and calm. Her six blankets were all twisted, her leg exposed and her shirt riding up giving Edward a perfect view of the skin on her stomach. His hand hovered over his crotch as he debated whether or not to... _touch it_.

Steeling his resolve, Edward stood tall and tried to remember what Jasper had said. Everyone does it right? Over-thinking as always, his hand twitching above his manhood, he desperately tried to focus.

Fortunately for him, Bella hummed and licked her lips, mumbling something about enormous Adonis cock. He watched as she wiggled and moved the blankets down between her legs, her fingers dangerously close to her most private of parts.

Suddenly, Bella groaned and arched her back, her arms stretching over her head. Her eyes opened slowly and she blinked repeatedly. Edward being the fastest, he had zipped over to the corner of the room and crouched in the darkness unseen. Bella's eyes searched the room, over and over again. Once she was satisfied that she was alone, she smiled to herself and moved the mound of blankets that had been between her thighs and replaced them with her hand. Deftly moving her panties aside, she dove right in and suppressed a moan as she found herself dripping wet. Unlike Edward, she was no stranger to touching herself. She had needs you know!

All Edward could hear was the sound of wet on wet. Slippery fingers against slippery flesh and labored breathing. He watched as her fingers worked against her clit, moving in little circles. His eyes nearly bugging out of his head when she took the THREE fingers of her other hand and inserted them into her virginal opening. He couldn't believe what he was seeing! His precious innocent angel was... unabashedly pleasuring herself. He had never been more jealous of human fingers in his life. He wanted to replace her fingers with his. He wanted to coil and spring and claim. He had the sudden urge to fuck and bite.

_NO! _He scolded himself. _Never! _He would not submit to those deviant desires. He wanted to cherish his mate, to marry her and make love to her, like a true gentleman.

"Mmmmmm..." Bella whispered as her fingers moved against her nub even faster. Her mouth parted, her fingers pushing in, out, in, out, circling, bending. "Edward..."

Stunned and amazed, Edward somehow found the courage to grab hold of his dick and stroke it.

Bella was holding her breath, her legs beginning to shake while Edward stroked up and then down.

He came.

Then she came.

Both of them twitching and spastic, neither of them noticing the other writhing and panting.

Both silent as they came down from their high, Bella quickly fell back asleep as Edward lay slumped against the wall. When her breathing indicated that she was sleeping deeply, Edward rose from the floor on wobbly legs and gracefully stumbled into bed.

Lying next to her, the feeling of contentment and relief was unsurpassed. He felt light and free, happy, relaxed. He vowed that he would take Jasper's advice and do _that_ as often as possible.


	2. Wank on

**Disclaimer****:** I do not own Twilight. I just like to put the characters in compromising positions for kicks.

Thank you to Vintagejgc for her beta assistance and her cheer-leading. Yes, this girl busts out the pom poms and cheers on the lemons, and the snark too. And she puts up with my comma drama. She rocks.

and on we go...

**Wank****on****!**

Edward Cullen was nothing if not thorough. He promised his soon-to-be wife sex on their honeymoon, so sex they would have, provided he could pull it off without breaking her. He had a plan.

He had been, err... Practicing_that__._

When Jasper suggested eight times per day, Edward had rolled his eyes and told Jasper that he was indeed taking matters into his own hands, and that he'd prefer not to go into details. He was handling it, pun intended.

Eight times per day? Pfft. Jasper was clearly an underachiever in Edward's eyes. He practiced about eighteen times a day, maybe twenty depending on how long Bella slept. He was absolute in his determination to control himself, he needed to learn the subtle nuances of his body and how to harness the sensation of climaxing without flailing around so much.

He was just finishing his fourteenth round of the day when Alice zipped up the stairs, silently broadcasting her intentions. At vampire speed, Edward had jumped out of bed and threw on his khakis. Opening the door with a grimace, Alice was smiling brightly.

"Edward," she acknowledged him with a nod. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"What?" He snapped. He was cranky, as he had intended to be going for round fifteen right then. His flailing was subsiding a bit.

"It's time," she said aloud, and in her head were visions of Edward and Bella on his bed, touching.

Edward fist pumped twelve times at vampire speed. Quickly regaining his composure he asked, "Just touching?"

"You're a go for touching." She patted his head. "You'll be fine."

_More__than__fine__. __She__'__ll__want__to__touch__you__Edward__, __be__prepared__. _

Edward watched the vision replay in Alice's mind: Bella in loose fitting pajama pants and a bra and nothing else. His erection stood at attention, tenting his pants.

_She__'__ll__be__here__in__thirty__-__six__minutes__._ Alice snorted, and then giggled before dancing away, snickering.

Thirty-six minutes and two practice rounds later, Edward met Bella at the door. Taking her hand he guided her into the house and impatiently scooped her up, threw her over his shoulder and zipped her upstairs. Depositing her on the bed, he leaned down to kiss her and then he ripped her shirt off.

Bella gasped and Edward was suddenly across the room berating himself for fucking this up in his haste.

"Uh... Edward?" She asked, her arms across her bra clad chest.

"I'm sorry. Let me get you another shirt. You can wear one of mine." He grabbed a t-shirt and threw it at her, turning away in shame at his eagerness.

"Edward?" Bella asked again.

"God, I am so sorry. I don't know what came over me. That shirt must have been old, damn weak fabric just crumpled in my fingers." He pointed at the shirt he had thrown at her, still untouched the bed. "Is that not to your liking? Shall I fetch another one?"

"Edward?" Bella raised her voice an octave.

Edward was rifling through shirts in his closet, tossing them out at vampire speed. "Would you prefer something long sleeved?' He asked throwing a long sleeved Henley which landed on her head. "Are you cold?"

She clutched the shirt atop her head and yelled. "Edward!" He gulped and turned to face her, internally slapping himself. He should have practiced a few more times before she arrived! He vowed to use vampire speed next time.

Bella patted the bed beside her and he begrudgingly sat down.

"Touch me," she ordered, then immediately yanked down her bra, took his hand and put it over her left breast. He sucked in a breath at the contact, watching fascinated as her nipple pebbled under his touch.

They both shuddered. Bella, impatient as always, reached out, planning on touching his thigh. Her poor human coordination was skewed by lust, her hand landing on rather large bulge in Edward's khakis.

He might have come in his pants.

She definitely soaked her panties.

Bella was wide eyed, staring down at her hand she grasped his length over his pants, half marveling, half freaked out at how hard it was. She squeezed it.

It twitched.

She squeezed harder, making sure she had a good grip on it. He came again and Bella squeaked, feeling it pulsate, the fabric of his pants became damp with venom.

Blinking, she looked up at him, his eyes squeezed shut, he wasn't breathing. Had she just made him come with a simple touch? Damn she was good!

Edward slowly opened his eyes and found Bella smiling at him as she gently slid her hand down to his thigh. He was so proud, he hadn't flailed. Bella made him climax not once, but twice and he hadn't ripped out her throat. He was beginning to like this sex thing.

Yes, he decided that Bella should touch him a lot. That had felt so good and... he felt so sated, relaxed. It was nice. He smiled back at Bella who was looking at him expectantly. It suddenly occurred to him that he had failed to follow Jasper's first rule, one of which was to make her come _first__._

He noticed that his hand was still firmly planted on her breast. _Perfect__!_ He leaned in to kiss her, hoping to dazzle the hell out of her as he licked her bottom lip and ran the tip of his fingers over her nipple.

Her breath hitched, she sucked on his bottom lip and bit it too. She slid her hand down his arm, grasping his hand and placing it on her stomach. "Touch me," she whispered gently guiding his hand lower.

His hands took on a mind of their own, they shed Bella's clothing in 1.8 seconds then wandered slowly up the inside of her leg.

"You are so soft." His fingers traveled up and down the curve of her calf then up, swirling little circles on the skin of her inner thigh.

"So warm." He cupped her sex, _warm__indeed_. He marveled at her heat, his fingers growing bold, moving, and slipping around and into her. Remembering Jasper's advice, he paid attention her reactions, learning how she liked to be touched. He explored her, touching gently while Bella flexed up her hips seeking more friction. He wanted more than anything to make her come, he wanted _that_desperately.

He took hold of her hand, placing it between her legs. "Show me."

Bella's movements were tentative, unsure. Edward stared at her with what Bella thought was a look of wonder. In reality, Edward was wondering what the hell she was doing! Not that it didn't arouse him, because it did, but he wanted at least two fingers- she used three last time! Perhaps he should heed Jasper's advice and encourage her with erotic words. Leaning over her, he made his best attempt at looking sexy. "No need to be coy my love. Show me how you _really_ do it. Use three of those beautiful fingers. She me how you touch yourself when you think of me."

Gasping at his brazen words, she took three fingers and got to work.

"Keep touching me." She ordered and he did, carefully of course.

It was less than one minute later when she came, panting and shaking. "Uhgmfttpmmmm. Edw... ah...Oh!"

She slumped against him, his hands drifting away from her breasts and around her waist, pulling her close.

Bella looked up at him then, a gleam of mischief in her eye. "That was awesome!"

Edward nodded. "_That_ was awesome indeed."


End file.
